Freeing the Traumatized Mind

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When looking at the huge death toll and physical destruction taking place in Palestine, Syria, Iraq, and elsewhere, the average person can acknowledge that abuse is taking place. However, the general world population seems to be under some kind of spell or confusion making it impossible for the people who are supposed to be in charge to stop the abuses from occurring. This leaves it up to the victims to rectify the situation.

Perhaps the Muslim world could gain some insight as to how to proceed by looking at victims of domestic abuse and exploring the emotional realms in which the abuser leaves thorns preventing life from going forward in a smooth manner. If ongoing conflict and negativity have become habitual, as in Israel vs. Palestine, this may imply the abuse was caused not by personal, political or economic circumstance – but by the narcissistic personality. The narcissist literally believes himself to be more worthy than other people.

To a person without a highly developed conscience, others exist only to mirror positive images of themselves. If you mention feeling hurt by their actions, their instant response will be to feel indignant – not concerned for your discomfort. They will become enraged that your stated view of them is less than perfect. This psychological profile explains why mentioning what Israel did makes you an “anti-Semite.”

A narcissist does not seek out relationships in order to engage in personal sharing or free trade. They literally do not possess that emotional capacity. Other people exist only to provide their “Narcissistic Supply,” whether it’s financial funding or admiration, or else ongoing personal attention thus validation in the form of back and forth hostilities.

An empathic person cannot even imagine entering a relationship without the sincere goal of sharing.”One must first learn to recognize that psychic abuse is indeed taking place in order to stop further psychic attacks. In order to get our souls back and to protect ourselves from further psychic soul intrusion, we must invoke powerful spiritual tools,” writes Kaleah LaRoche, author of “Spiritual Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse.”

“The psychic cord, or invisible energy stream, between you and the narcissist is very real! It is the continuation of this psychic energy stream after the relationship has ended that keeps you engaged with that person.”

This “psychic cord” when viewed in political terms has been referred to as “the colonial mindset.” Entire human societies have struggled throughout history with the problem of narcissistic abuse from populations who had a misguided sense of entitlement. The Stages of Healing available to the domestically abused can also be applied to political situations affecting populations traumatized by narcissistic abuse.

The most difficult, first step is to realize the reality of evil, politely described as personal limitations. Our decades long attempts to negotiate with the oppressor have failed. Why? We cannot blame ourselves or Hamas. The problem lies in the mind of the aggressor. He has some kind of inability to comprehend you as human.

“He doesn’t have the inner capacity to care about you or your needs. Your needs are of no concern to him. He is on a one-sided quest to get what he wants and you are simply a tool to help him get it… There is truly a dark force at work in the unconscious reality of the narcissist,” writes LaRoche.

A sensitive person could be left quite traumatized by a human interaction that was not based on returning given respect. “There is a psychic intrusion into the world of those intimately involved with the narcissist.”

“Narcissism effects the victim on a very deep soul level. It is a type of “soul rape” that leaves the victim feeling very violated on many levels.”

The first step forward towards healing for those wronged is to forgive themselves for not recognizing that they were being lied to and betrayed by someone who wasn’t thinking of them in terms of a peaceful and respectful coexistence.

“If we don’t understand narcissism or know what to look for how can we know if we are being conned? writes LaRoche.

“On the most part we want to believe the best about people. We want to believe that everybody pretty much wants what we want; love, caring, nurturing, respect and honesty. Our minds have difficulty comprehending the psychopathic or narcissistic reality. It is a reality so far from our own that we cannot conceive of it. The reality of a narcissist is twisted, distorted and confused. But we cannot see this in the beginning.

“The goal is to get yourself back! Your Life-force doesn’t and never did belong to the narcissist in your life! Your life-force energy belongs to you! If you don’t work hard to cut the psychic chords between you and your abuser, the recovery process can drag on for a very long time.”

Naturally, those whose lives have been destroyed will be feeling a deep sense of violation. Healing can only begin when the violator is no longer the center of your life.

Alexander Burgemeester mentions in “Victims of NPD Relationships: Stages of Recovery” that there is a specific process an abused person has to go through in order to be free from being constantly attacked.

The first stage of recovery is when you realize he is not your friend. It has just dawned on you that you’ve been in a relationship with someone who has no empathy. You are exhausted and tired of living in fear. Researching and networking will empower you.

An undervalued yet very important stage of healing from injustice is the Anger Stage: You are angry what has been done to you but also at yourself for letting this happen to you and your family. 

The Affirmative Action Stage is when you begin to effectively make life decisions. This is when you learn how to protect yourself. This is a time of great upheaval. The narcissist will fight you tooth and nail to win and will be very vicious at this stage.

The Mirroring Stage is when you mirror the narcissist’s behavior back at them, effectively scaring them off. Counter-threatening – involving the Court – is the mode of action most recommended for women involved in domestic disputes. Sometimes it takes many instances of “mirroring” before the stubborn narcissist finally “gets it” that the relationship is over.

The final stage of healing from oppression is a stage of realizing that there was nothing you could have done to prevent the nightmare that you just lived through. You start looking working toward your new future and close the door on the narcissist.

How US Laws Protect Wives

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When she married at 26, Aisha had no idea about her legal rights as a female citizen of the United States. A first generation American, she did know that Islamic law entitled her to a dowry as well as maintenance by her husband, in exchange for obeying him, keeping the household, and allowing her womb to procreate. She knew she had to get his permission to get a job. She married a man “fresh off the boat.” Knowing he had no savings and worked a menial job, she asked him in lieu of money or jewelry, to promise her a back massage every night. She also secretly hoped that might also lead to nightly intimacy, and she was naturally willing to return the favor. He agreed to this. He also agreed to a small family only wedding, with each side inviting five persons.

Much to her surprise, the night before her wedding, while she was covered in henna, she received a phone call from her fiancé alerting her to the fact that he had bowed to peer pressure, stood on top of a table, and invited all his friends to Aisha’s parents’ house for the wedding. Aisha did not have time to invite all her friends on such short notice, and her best friend stopped talking to her after she didn’t get the message.

On the wedding day, in front of all these guests, the imam asked her if she would accept this marriage for a dowry of $1,200. She was astonished, since there had never been any such discussion of money. But she was too shy to speak up in front of the crowd. She assumed that her husband-to-be was just too embarrassed to admit the real dowry promise, and so had added this into the agreement as a cover-up.

However, the day after the wedding when she said with an innocent smile, “Can I have my backrub now?” her husband refused! He was astonished by her sense of entitlement.

“But you promised!” she insisted.

“Nobody gets married in exchange for backrubs.” He told her she was ridiculous.

She never received any $1,200 cash gift either.

A couple years into the marriage, her husband bought a computer that they would both use and asked her to accept that in lieu of the dowry.

In truth, he was not entirely irresponsible – he did financially maintain her and the children with a generous settlement after divorce. But his refusal to acknowledge personal responsibility for a legally binding verbal agreement cost him his marriage, because in doing so, he insultingly treated his wife as chattel, as a non-person.

What could Aisha have done differently to have avoided this pitfall with someone otherwise regarded as a good man?

The second time she got married, she continued to be lovingly humble and it turned out even much, much worse. Ironically, her new mother-in-law didn’t approve her to invite one friend to her own wedding, since it was to be family only.

By this time, Aisha was so isolated as a housewife and full time mother that she had started to think of “the world outside” as a scary place. But when the second husband’s mental abuse became too extreme that she realized he truly didn’t regard her as a person with legal rights, her fear caused her to turn to the government for help. Approaching the steps of the local health center, she started to relax when strangers smiled at her and her children.

As a pregnant mother whose husband was unemployed, she instantly qualified for medical insurance, food stamps, and WIC. She was also placed on a waiting list for discounted housing. As soon as she separated from her husband, all these benefits transferred to her and gave her children a safety net that her husband had never provided no matter what his income. In both marriages, she had always thought in terms of money being “her husband’s money.”

Even though her husband, after she tearfully begged him to divorce her, had pronounced “talaq talaq talaq,” he later denied that he had given her a divorce. For the next five years, he tormented her by stalking her, insisting she was still his wife. He used an outdated stereotype of Islam to justify treating her as a person without right of personhood. Even the most basic right, the right to freely decide if one chooses to agree to marriage.

Aisha learned to file motions in court. All of the legal documents required to apply for child support, court order a child care schedule, divorce, or even a restraining order, can be downloaded from the local family and probate court to print out.

Going to the courthouse was a daunting task at first. They really don’t make it easy. There are certain forms that need to be filled out (including financial exemption from filing fees and service fees – meaning when the sheriff serves him with papers). There are many different lines she had to stand in. But the courthouse employees are used to first timers and politely advised her.

Women can get free legal advice from their local domestic abuse hotline, and there should be an office at the courthouse for guidance as to what forms to ask for. During divorce, always focus your affidavit arguments to issues regarding the children.

When it comes to domestic abuse situations, whether mental or physical, do not bother with a lawyer unless you want to negotiate with your spouse. In the event of a truly unreasonable spouse, the quickest way to get it over with is just to go in front of a judge. You can get divorced in a few hearings. They have heard it all before. You just tell them the truth and they will advise. The scariest thing about standing up for yourself is having to face your user spouting bald faced lies as well as half truths designed to malign you and deprive you of your voice. Do not look him in the eye. Look humbly at the judge. Pray for God’s justice and the life your children deserve to see you lead, free of intimidation or devaluing of person.