Unmet Relational Needs in Muslim Culture

One of the most astonishing things I am noticing about Muslim culture is the widespread tendency to marry a woman and then physically and emotionally abandon her. Men are now using a new excuse:

"It was just an arranged marriage."

Abandonment, whether or not required by economic necessity, is reinforced by shame related to divorce, and the belief that 'good' women don't remarry.

"She is just someone my late mother chose."

A married woman becomes property of her in-laws, as opposed to a life partner of her husband, who feels no shame leaving her alone and pregnant. She is merely a tool to provide his parents with grandchildren.

The cultural taboo against divorce even after abandonment often assumes that a 'decent' woman would never consider gainful employment. So even if a marriage is totally unsatisfactory, the woman would beg the husband not to divorce her. She would pretend that she is still in a marriage, even when the husband has clearly moved out forever, or visits only every few years.

Muslim men seem to think that marriage is defined purely by financial support. There doesn't seem to be any awareness of the relational needs (including sexual) of women. While men are encouraged to marry as many women as they need to make sure there is no buildup of semen, women seem to almost happily consent to the degradation of their internal organs through non-use, as long as there is money coming in, and even when there is not. While financial support is better than no financial support, what is the deal with a man deciding that any woman has no right to have sex, ever again, in her life? He can divorce her and pay child support, maybe alimony.

Surat al Baqara, Verse 229 states: "either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness."

There is a lofty egotism that says, "as long as I am paying her bills I own the non-use of her body."

We know from hadith that the early Muslims did not have taboos against divorce and remarriage. If Hussain (RA) were alive today, he would be considered quite the gigolo. Pre-Islamic pagan Arab women could initiate divorce merely by turning their tent so that the entrance was facing in a new direction. The newly instituted Islamic concept of marriage was primarily a contract to make sure that parental lineage and responsibility were never in question.

The influence of Hinduism and Christianity added to Islamic practice the concept of shame in remarriage, which is based on the assumption that sex is purely for procreation and not a human right in itself, which is based on the idea that women are innately filthy, that men should try to avoid women, and that a woman should only ever taste one husband, even if that means she spends the majority of her life alone.

The book, "Law of Desire" by Shahla Haeri is based on a study of marriage practices in post-revolutionary Iran. It describes many instances where wives are divorced by their husbands and become destitute, even homeless. Because remarriage is very rare in the culture, this creates an underclass of women who are essentially prostitutes, except that they have to wait 2 months in between sexual encounters, during which time they are merely beggars in front of the shrines. There is such a gross class difference between "kept women" and "husbandless women" that women will compete with each other for dominance instead of welcoming second wives as sisters.

Interestingly, the women most likely to be free to remarry, even if impermanently or non-residentially, are those who have a bad relationship with their parents. This would imply that the parents themselves are preventing the 'good' divorced daughter from meeting a man, because of fears of disgrace overriding their concern for her health.

I'll never forget the day when I was trying to discuss our relationship or the lack thereof with my Pakistani husband, and his solution to the problem was to "send me back to my parents." As an American woman over the age of 30, who had worked in jobs and rented her own apartment before marriage, this sounded completely absurd. I will go to my parents if I decide to go to my parents. I am not a parcel to send somewhere! I was completely baffled that he really viewed me in such a dehumanizing way, as a person without personhood?! He eventually became the perfect ex-husband, but I now notice more and more how people think this is a "man's world."

I do not wish to conclude that non-Muslim culture is superior. I notice the politics of greetings in American culture, where men always greet each other while women are usually mute on the side. While laws do not prevent non-Muslims from marriage and remarriage, gainful employment of the woman seems to be a prerequisite, and her ability to get time alone away from her children. In other words, the man either wants the woman to pay half the bills or else he only wants to visit her when she is alone. He is not volunteering to be the head of a family. This usually requires a third party to be available to take care of the children so the woman can date, which means that the woman owes someone, rather than the man providing for her and her children.

It is hard to know which situation is more humiliating. There are pros and cons to each situation: the man providing for an estranged wife vs. the woman being financially independent. Divorce is never an ideal situation, especially when children are involved. It is a wonderful gift of this century from God, to have the opportunity and freedom to be able to pick and choose wisely between religious and legal laws, to provide the best possible security and outcome for families.

When is lying cultural?

This week, I am thinking about a certain type of lie, that I do not understand because I didn’t grow up with. In the Anglo-Saxon-American culture, yes means yes, no means no and it’s ok to say, “I don’t know yet.” If I personally were to tell a lie, it would only be a deliberate attempt to get away with something that I don’t want the other to know about. But I would never say, “I’ll meet you at 3:00 inshallah” and not show up!

What purpose does this type of lying serve, and what is going through the mind of the person doing it? Avoiding conflict? Is it really so important to be agreeable that you would then inconvenience the person? Your word is your honor! If you habitually lie about things that don’t even matter much, where is the person inside you that another person can connect with? Or is there just a persona?

Some people lie habitually. I have noticed certain cultures don’t like to say no, or they don’t want to disappoint you, or they don’t want to get in a deep discussion about what they can and cannot offer versus what they want. To me, honest back and forth is the basis of relationship!

For example, someone has been doing this to me repeatedly. It could be anything from “What are you doing today?” to “Do you want to buy a house together?” But it’s usually a friendly attempt on my part to coordinate plans, goals and dreams. The person will respond agreeably, then after a while, will stop responding. Then when confronted, will make up a story, and the previous conversation dead ends. Or, when asked a simple yes or no question, would not answer, and then again make up a story about not getting the text or some other excuse.

It’s clearly meant to avoid a certain type of discussion. There might be a miscommunication or misunderstanding about coordination of plans vs. having time (two separate issues in my mind).

The other thing some do is becoming silent to send a message of displeasure rather than just stating what the problem is, putting the other person in the position of having to read your mind.

This irritating behavior can be frustrating. Are they arrogantly neglecting our need to communicate? …or maybe they haven’t said the simple truth throughout their entire life?

“Many cultures don’t have the same black and white standard of Americans,” advised Ashley Jones, who has been in a cross cultural marriage for the last eight years and enjoys hosting foreign exchange students in her home.

“You want to have a yes/no black/white conversation which is very American style. I know I have come to a place where I get more direct when I need a definite answer from my students. I guess those cultures have much looser definition of lying. I don’t think it is a lie specifically to deceive with malice but more of saving face or not wanting to disappoint. I think when dealing cross culturally, we have to give grace and adjust our expectations.”

Not only is there an East-West conflict about communication styles, but in both cultures men often engage in attempts at female appeasement to avoid upsetting her rather than just discussing the situation as they would do with a male friend. Maybe some of this weird communication style has to do with sexism. Some men don’t view women as someone you coordinate together with; it can be more about mutually pleasing each other rather than working together as a team. Women can be loved deeply but are not always part of decisions.

Some cultures, due to political oppression, may also have an exaggerated fear of being accused, resulting in overreaction. If you are sensitive to being interrogated by the police, you might overreact to your wife asking for attention. Even a normal question like “Are you home?” might make a man feel obligated to do whatever she wants or she will be upset.

“To a large degree, I have noticed this phenomenon in East Asian and Middle Eastern cultures. This is a desire, both for the sake of courtesy and avoidance of conflict. To put it mildly, it can be frustrating when one is engaged in negotiation or evenly simply trying to plan social events. Obviously, cultural programming, of ANY variety, is a tricky issue to deal with, particularly when it has been absorbed into spiritual and religious practice,” Christian Zedd told TMO. His parents worked in Iran from 1974-1978 when he was aged 12-16. 

“Truth be told, we ALL carry our upbringing’s cultural inheritance with us. About the best we can do, corny as it sounds, is call them as we see them and play the cards as they’re dealt, recognizing that we don’t all have the same cards.

Basically, the closer the relationship, the more important it is to clarify the terms and values. One can work or chat with just about anyone on the planet. For something like marriage or a business partnership, there had better be virtual identity of values and focus. That would boil down to one’s faith and the role of faith in one’s life.”

“Why do Lovers Lie?” on truthaboutdeception.com states: “When interdependence is high, telling the truth is important. Telling the truth allows people to coordinate their actions, create intimacy and closeness. But, interdependence also makes deception more likely. Because partners expect and demand a lot from us, telling the truth carries more risk.

“Telling the truth in a close relationship can lead to increased conflict, negativity and it can restrain one’s goals (i.e., “you can’t do that”). As it stands, both telling the truth and deception are needed to make a relationship work. Intimacy requires honesty, but complete honesty tears couples apart. Finding the right balance, can be difficult for many couples to do.”