Unmet Relational Needs in Muslim Culture

One of the most astonishing things I am noticing about Muslim culture is the widespread tendency to marry a woman and then physically and emotionally abandon her. Men are now using a new excuse:

"It was just an arranged marriage."

Abandonment, whether or not required by economic necessity, is reinforced by shame related to divorce, and the belief that 'good' women don't remarry.

"She is just someone my late mother chose."

A married woman becomes property of her in-laws, as opposed to a life partner of her husband, who feels no shame leaving her alone and pregnant. She is merely a tool to provide his parents with grandchildren.

The cultural taboo against divorce even after abandonment often assumes that a 'decent' woman would never consider gainful employment. So even if a marriage is totally unsatisfactory, the woman would beg the husband not to divorce her. She would pretend that she is still in a marriage, even when the husband has clearly moved out forever, or visits only every few years.

Muslim men seem to think that marriage is defined purely by financial support. There doesn't seem to be any awareness of the relational needs (including sexual) of women. While men are encouraged to marry as many women as they need to make sure there is no buildup of semen, women seem to almost happily consent to the degradation of their internal organs through non-use, as long as there is money coming in, and even when there is not. While financial support is better than no financial support, what is the deal with a man deciding that any woman has no right to have sex, ever again, in her life? He can divorce her and pay child support, maybe alimony.

Surat al Baqara, Verse 229 states: "either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness."

There is a lofty egotism that says, "as long as I am paying her bills I own the non-use of her body."

We know from hadith that the early Muslims did not have taboos against divorce and remarriage. If Hussain (RA) were alive today, he would be considered quite the gigolo. Pre-Islamic pagan Arab women could initiate divorce merely by turning their tent so that the entrance was facing in a new direction. The newly instituted Islamic concept of marriage was primarily a contract to make sure that parental lineage and responsibility were never in question.

The influence of Hinduism and Christianity added to Islamic practice the concept of shame in remarriage, which is based on the assumption that sex is purely for procreation and not a human right in itself, which is based on the idea that women are innately filthy, that men should try to avoid women, and that a woman should only ever taste one husband, even if that means she spends the majority of her life alone.

The book, "Law of Desire" by Shahla Haeri is based on a study of marriage practices in post-revolutionary Iran. It describes many instances where wives are divorced by their husbands and become destitute, even homeless. Because remarriage is very rare in the culture, this creates an underclass of women who are essentially prostitutes, except that they have to wait 2 months in between sexual encounters, during which time they are merely beggars in front of the shrines. There is such a gross class difference between "kept women" and "husbandless women" that women will compete with each other for dominance instead of welcoming second wives as sisters.

Interestingly, the women most likely to be free to remarry, even if impermanently or non-residentially, are those who have a bad relationship with their parents. This would imply that the parents themselves are preventing the 'good' divorced daughter from meeting a man, because of fears of disgrace overriding their concern for her health.

I'll never forget the day when I was trying to discuss our relationship or the lack thereof with my Pakistani husband, and his solution to the problem was to "send me back to my parents." As an American woman over the age of 30, who had worked in jobs and rented her own apartment before marriage, this sounded completely absurd. I will go to my parents if I decide to go to my parents. I am not a parcel to send somewhere! I was completely baffled that he really viewed me in such a dehumanizing way, as a person without personhood?! He eventually became the perfect ex-husband, but I now notice more and more how people think this is a "man's world."

I do not wish to conclude that non-Muslim culture is superior. I notice the politics of greetings in American culture, where men always greet each other while women are usually mute on the side. While laws do not prevent non-Muslims from marriage and remarriage, gainful employment of the woman seems to be a prerequisite, and her ability to get time alone away from her children. In other words, the man either wants the woman to pay half the bills or else he only wants to visit her when she is alone. He is not volunteering to be the head of a family. This usually requires a third party to be available to take care of the children so the woman can date, which means that the woman owes someone, rather than the man providing for her and her children.

It is hard to know which situation is more humiliating. There are pros and cons to each situation: the man providing for an estranged wife vs. the woman being financially independent. Divorce is never an ideal situation, especially when children are involved. It is a wonderful gift of this century from God, to have the opportunity and freedom to be able to pick and choose wisely between religious and legal laws, to provide the best possible security and outcome for families.

Witnessing ourselves in relationships

http://muslimobserver.com/witnessing-ourselves-in-relationships/

---

“Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions,” reads a joke circulating on Facebook. But sometimes even smart people make stupid decisions. Many times we don’t actually make conscious decisions but repeat similar mistakes again and again. Part of growing up and learning how to make good decisions is by recognizing our own behavior patterns and stopping ourselves. Becoming conscious requires learning to recognize subconscious emotions. If you get a disturbing feeling that you have felt this emotion before, this can serve as a warning that you are behaving unconsciously.

For example, when Gina became engaged to Frederic, she was madly in love and tried to please him. This desire for approval made her vulnerable when he would treat her in an accusing way. “Why didn’t you pick up the phone? What were you doing? Who were you talking to? Why haven’t you told me about this friend before?”

Gina’s first instinct was to reassure him of her innocence, but as this pattern continued, she realized she was experiencing a familiar emotion: the fearful childhood feeling of being “in trouble” with her parents. Once she realized that she was engaging in a subconscious reaction, she decided to bring her relationship into adulthood: Making mutual respect her goal, she resolved to stop taking her fiance’s controlling behavior behavior so seriously. She could either stop allowing him to talk to her this way, or she could walk away from the relationship. Either way, she refused to allow herself to be bullied by him anymore.

Desperate housewife Amira found herself in a situation where her husband grudgingly tolerated her. He decided he didn’t want her anymore and “sent her back to her parents.” However, 45 days later, her parents sent her back without explanation. But it sent the message that the parents didn’t want her either. Terrified of being abandoned, she engaged in passive aggressive dependency behavior to make it hard for her husband to divorce her – refusing to speak English, refusing to learn how to drive a car, and refusing to leave the house by herself, not even to buy food. How easy it is to resort to victimhood when one’s parent’s have impressed upon a person that love is conditional, and that the best one can hope for in life is to be grudgingly tolerated.

In both of these situations, the women are not only victims of their own patterns but also they are receiving the “Other” treatment.The man is treating them like a thing he owns, like chattel, which he judges according to whether or not it is living up to his hopes and expectations. When she does not please him, his instinct is either to assert control over her or to throw her in the garbage. There is no concept in his mind of a relationship with a human being of equal value. This male chauvenist attitude comes from a combination of cultural conditioning and emotional immaturity.

How can a woman react in order to make a man regard her with the same respect as he requires for himself? The solution is three-fold: she must be willing to end the relationship, love herself enough not to take neurotic responsibility for his problems relating to women, and she must recognize that he too is a victim of subconscious programming,

Compare Amira the unwanted wife to Maryem, who discovered her husband was secretly visiting other women. She threatened him that she would take their children back to her country to live with her parents if he did not immediately recommit to their marriage. Prior to this ultimatum, her husband had been engaging in the mindset of blaming his wife and children for his lack of accomplishments in life and taking revenge on her relative financial success by cheating on her. But faced with the threat of losing his family, he snapped out of this childish victim mindset and took responsibility.

It is remarkable to observe how we react in situations of uncertainty and how this corresponds to our childhood patterning as well as how we have emerged from it.

Shana’s cell phone malfunctioned for 24 hours, so that she was not receiving texts and her husband was not receiving her texts. Her first reaction was to assume he was angry with her. She went over every text she had sent to try and figure out what she had done wrong. But before resorting to abject apologizing without knowing her crime, as she habitually did with her first husband, who had frequently engaged at giving her the silent treatment, she realized that she was engaging in a past pattern and stopped herself from begging for forgiveness. She then went to the other extreme, thinking angrily that if her second husband was going to engage in passive aggressive silence instead of telling her why he’s angry, she would not tolerate it. She started going through a mental list of other men who might want her if this marriage didn’t work out.

Just then, her husband called. “I was so worried about you! I thought something happened to you. Why didn’t you return my texts?”

Shana was so relieved that he was not angry with her, and doubly relieved she had not apologized for nothing! She recognized that she had made considerable progress in protecting her dignity since her previous marriage in that regard. She also noted that she still had serious trust issues. Her husband’s caring reaction made her realize that she was so lucky to have him, and restored her faith in the relationship. His caring nature was born of a decision to live more consciously and to engage in healthier relationships. Ironically, Amira was Shana’s husband’s first wife. How is that the same man would treat two women so very differently? What is it about our attitudes that influence how others treat us?

Learning to be a witness of ourselves with others is one of the most exciting and meaningful paths we can take in life. Those who don’t do it, never fully mature. Those who do, break the chains of social conditioning taught by past generations, and empower themselves and others with enlightened perception and self-management skills.

 Editor’s note: Karin Friedemann is a contributing writer for The Muslim Observer. Her views are her own.

How US Laws Protect Wives

TMO 

When she married at 26, Aisha had no idea about her legal rights as a female citizen of the United States. A first generation American, she did know that Islamic law entitled her to a dowry as well as maintenance by her husband, in exchange for obeying him, keeping the household, and allowing her womb to procreate. She knew she had to get his permission to get a job. She married a man “fresh off the boat.” Knowing he had no savings and worked a menial job, she asked him in lieu of money or jewelry, to promise her a back massage every night. She also secretly hoped that might also lead to nightly intimacy, and she was naturally willing to return the favor. He agreed to this. He also agreed to a small family only wedding, with each side inviting five persons.

Much to her surprise, the night before her wedding, while she was covered in henna, she received a phone call from her fiancé alerting her to the fact that he had bowed to peer pressure, stood on top of a table, and invited all his friends to Aisha’s parents’ house for the wedding. Aisha did not have time to invite all her friends on such short notice, and her best friend stopped talking to her after she didn’t get the message.

On the wedding day, in front of all these guests, the imam asked her if she would accept this marriage for a dowry of $1,200. She was astonished, since there had never been any such discussion of money. But she was too shy to speak up in front of the crowd. She assumed that her husband-to-be was just too embarrassed to admit the real dowry promise, and so had added this into the agreement as a cover-up.

However, the day after the wedding when she said with an innocent smile, “Can I have my backrub now?” her husband refused! He was astonished by her sense of entitlement.

“But you promised!” she insisted.

“Nobody gets married in exchange for backrubs.” He told her she was ridiculous.

She never received any $1,200 cash gift either.

A couple years into the marriage, her husband bought a computer that they would both use and asked her to accept that in lieu of the dowry.

In truth, he was not entirely irresponsible – he did financially maintain her and the children with a generous settlement after divorce. But his refusal to acknowledge personal responsibility for a legally binding verbal agreement cost him his marriage, because in doing so, he insultingly treated his wife as chattel, as a non-person.

What could Aisha have done differently to have avoided this pitfall with someone otherwise regarded as a good man?

The second time she got married, she continued to be lovingly humble and it turned out even much, much worse. Ironically, her new mother-in-law didn’t approve her to invite one friend to her own wedding, since it was to be family only.

By this time, Aisha was so isolated as a housewife and full time mother that she had started to think of “the world outside” as a scary place. But when the second husband’s mental abuse became too extreme that she realized he truly didn’t regard her as a person with legal rights, her fear caused her to turn to the government for help. Approaching the steps of the local health center, she started to relax when strangers smiled at her and her children.

As a pregnant mother whose husband was unemployed, she instantly qualified for medical insurance, food stamps, and WIC. She was also placed on a waiting list for discounted housing. As soon as she separated from her husband, all these benefits transferred to her and gave her children a safety net that her husband had never provided no matter what his income. In both marriages, she had always thought in terms of money being “her husband’s money.”

Even though her husband, after she tearfully begged him to divorce her, had pronounced “talaq talaq talaq,” he later denied that he had given her a divorce. For the next five years, he tormented her by stalking her, insisting she was still his wife. He used an outdated stereotype of Islam to justify treating her as a person without right of personhood. Even the most basic right, the right to freely decide if one chooses to agree to marriage.

Aisha learned to file motions in court. All of the legal documents required to apply for child support, court order a child care schedule, divorce, or even a restraining order, can be downloaded from the local family and probate court to print out.

Going to the courthouse was a daunting task at first. They really don’t make it easy. There are certain forms that need to be filled out (including financial exemption from filing fees and service fees – meaning when the sheriff serves him with papers). There are many different lines she had to stand in. But the courthouse employees are used to first timers and politely advised her.

Women can get free legal advice from their local domestic abuse hotline, and there should be an office at the courthouse for guidance as to what forms to ask for. During divorce, always focus your affidavit arguments to issues regarding the children.

When it comes to domestic abuse situations, whether mental or physical, do not bother with a lawyer unless you want to negotiate with your spouse. In the event of a truly unreasonable spouse, the quickest way to get it over with is just to go in front of a judge. You can get divorced in a few hearings. They have heard it all before. You just tell them the truth and they will advise. The scariest thing about standing up for yourself is having to face your user spouting bald faced lies as well as half truths designed to malign you and deprive you of your voice. Do not look him in the eye. Look humbly at the judge. Pray for God’s justice and the life your children deserve to see you lead, free of intimidation or devaluing of person.